WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T HAVE A BOOB?
Some of you know that the last 4 days I took care of my granddaughter as her parents took a much needed 4 day getaway. What a nice thing I did. Yup, it was. Crazy is more like it. Because that little girl was breastfeeding and was not taking a bottle at all before her mommy milk truck left.
Enter Glamma. Full of piss and vinegar I was and determined that no little 14 pound munchkin was going to win. I was more stubborn than her, more determined than her and stronger than her, right? WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. What ensued the next few days was a battle of sheer will and determination on her part and mine as well as a bucketful of tears.
The first day was hell and that really is an understatement. She fought me tooth and nail. Every time I came near her mouth with that synthetic nipple all hell broke loose. She cried and became rigid and refused to take it. Well I was a good Glamma so I decided to make sure she would not starve, not on my watch, so what did I do? I fed her with an eyedropper, one dropper at a time. Two ounces took 20 minutes. I also resorted to squeezing formula directly in her mouth. It worked, but was exhausting. That ritual took place all day. Then came bedtime. I honestly was exhausted and thought that if I had to feed her with an eye dropper at 2 am I might kill myself.
I went to bed early the first night expecting to be up all night with a cranky hungry baby. Like clockwork at 2 am she started to cry (apparently 2 am is her regular first feeding). So I got up heated her bottle and prayed to God, Buddha and every other higher spirit that this little lady take this bottle.
It took all of 2 minutes to heat up the bottle and by then she was screaming like she had grabbed a hot poker. I literally was so tense I couldn’t get comfortable. Anticipating the worse, I readied myself. Got comfy on the couch, positioned the baby, and put the bottle in her mouth. And the most miraculous thing happened. She started sucking. Holy shit, I was so excited I could hardly stand it. I held my breath and watched her guzzle that bottle. I thought, holy crap I did it!!! It took that little bitch all of ten minutes to suck back that bottle and then she passed out. I burped her and put her to bed. I was so excited that I sent out group texts to everybody. I knew that nobody was up but I was so excited, I just had to share the news.
I went to bed and at 6:00 she woke up again. I got up with some trepidation. I thought maybe that was a fluke. Cue the praying again. I got comfortable with her and approached that cute little mouth with that nipple and she grabbed it like a running back catching a pass in the Super Bowl. HOLY SHIT!!!! I did it. I mean once is a fluke, but two times in a row was a success. I knew that I had broken that baby. I honestly thought I heard Angels sing.
The rest of the day was great; she took her bottle every time. Of course she got bad gas from the formula so I was subject to short screaming bouts and smells that no human being should have to ensure. I’m like did that really come out of you? But in time with some gripe water and Baby Flora her tummy settled.
In 4 days I took two short showers and washed my hair once. I wore the same clothes, no makeup, glasses and smelled like formula and baby powder, an oddly comforting scent.
I handed over a well fed HAPPY baby, when they arrive home and left feeling accomplished. And as silly as that might seem, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. Grateful that I did it and did not have to call her parents to come back home. Grateful that I got to spend time to get to know all her little sounds and what they meant.
Of the whole 4 days the only thing that really bothered me was her timing. I no sooner poured a cup of coffee when it was feeding time!! Do you know how many times I heated up that same cup of coffee??
I have new found respect for hygiene and hot coffee and more importantly new mothers. I can hardly believe that I did all that myself as well when I had my children. Wow, I mean what an amazing mother I must have been to do that when I was so young and green.
So to all you mothers out there, I applaud and admire you. To all the Baristas out there, I love you for giving me a hot coffee that I can actually drink while it’s hot. But in all honesty the most important lesson is that you can do WHATEVER you set your mind to. Big goals, small goals, crazy goals. It’s all attainable if you have a positive mindset and put your mind to it. OH and I will never complain about bad hair again. Because after 4 days with no hair products, no styling tools, I really do know the meaning of BAD HAIR!!!
P.S. Bryn, Glamma loves you and your smelly farts.
P.P.S. I may have gotten a new Armani bag from the grateful parents as a thank you gift. So not a bad haul after all. Just sayin…..
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