HINDSIGHT REALLY IS 20/20
So the bloom is off the proverbial rose, is it? Well, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that you can get it back. The bad news is that it is going to take some work, and even then you might still find yourself contemplating a breakup.
Where ever you find yourself, these pointers can help you in your future marriage or at least you can pass it on to one of your friends that may be getting married. Now I have to warn you, I am blunt, to the point and there should be a language warning as well. Sugar coating is only when you bake cookies. Nothing but the reality in this blog. Now onto the good stuff.
1. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…it’s a fucking duck!
Let’s be honest here. How many of you found yourself in love and all starry-eyed, and just loving the man….except for that one thing, that if you were really honest was a deal breaker. Need me to enlighten you. Well, YOU CAN”T CHANGE HIM. If he appears to have a drinking problem..quack, quack. If he seems to really have a penchant for gambling…quackity quack quack quack. Don’t for one minute think, oh he’s young, but he loves me and will change for me. Wrong!!! He is what he is and despite the fact he may really love you, these kinds of red flags often need some serious intervention and promising to love, honor and until death do you part, is not the cure. So don’t be fooled, don’t be misguided and trust that gut instinct. Because if you are really honest with yourself you saw the signs but ignored them anyway. Take me for instance, my ex-husband, partied all night on our wedding night and never made it home, that’s right he never came home. That duck’s bill was right in my face and I chose to ignore it. 12 years later of living with an abusive alcoholic I got the hell out. Quack Quack!
2. If he treats his mother like crap, you are going to get the same treatment.
There is so much that can be said about how a man treats his mother. If in fact, he is respectful and loving towards her, will do anything to help her, then chances are you bagged a good one. If he is disrespectful, verbally abusive, takes advantage, then guess what? That’s the treatment you are going to get as well. Quack Quack. Call the caterer; cancel the hall, START THE CAR!!!
3. If he has visions of grandeur.
Look there is nothing wrong with being supportive of your man’s dreams and visions and his desire to do something great. Get an amazing job, start a business, etc. But if after years of failed attempts he is no further along and you are in debt to boot, yup you guessed it…Quack Quack. Lack of progress or follow through is often the by-product of just being plain old lazy. Who doesn’t want to be their own boss and make millions? But if your man is a dreamer and can’t hold a job or make an idea come to life and start making money, then how long do you want to support his dream? And by support, I mean financially. Quack Quack
4. Female friends outnumber his male friends.
Now ladies don’t get me wrong, it is totally possible to have friends of the opposite sex and be totally platonic. But if your man does not want to include you in his dinners out with his female “friends” or basically seems to always be going out with them, then I would suggest you have a heart to heart with him and find out the nitty-gritty of what’s really going on. Sometimes men think that being open about their friendship with females, will avert any suspicion you may have, then they may be living in la-la land. You know that expression, it was staring you right in the face, well blink, because you may need to see what’s really going on.
5. Sex-But it’s not Friday!!!
If you find yourself being limited to sex on a certain date, and time, perhaps with all the lights off and in the same boring position, then there is a good possibility, that’s what your sex life is going to look like. Like a big old bowl of melted vanilla ice cream. Remember the feeling when you first met, and you could barely keep your hands off each other? Well trust me, with the right man, your sex life might cool down a bit, but it’s still pretty hot and pretty often. So if before too long it’s fizzling or maybe you never really had that hot crazy wild honeymoon stage sex, then once again, open your eyes!! A man’s lack of wanting intimacy usually indicates a deeper problem. Something in the past may have happened, low testosterone, or even dare I say, he’s actually a gay man, trying to live a straight life. Men have hormonal issues too, and if that’s your man’s problem, then hang on for the ride, because once that is all sorted out, gone are the days of mediocre sex and say hello to will crazy passionate sex. But if that’s not it, ask yourself, if this is ok for you and if you can live like this for the next 50 years. Intimacy is such an important part of keeping your love alive. And if that fire can’t be stoked, it burns down to ashes and blows away. So watch for the signs.
6. Don’t try to outdo the Royal Wedding!
Every girl dreams of her wedding day. Or if you are me her wedding DAYS. It is so easy to get carried away, with the dress, the cake, the hall the flowers etc. I have seen so many couples get so in debt and resentful about having spent so much money on one day, that I have lost count. Sure have your day, but remember, if you don’t have the money, is this how you want to start your married life? Studies have shown that the number one thing that couples fight about is MONEY. If you have the money to blow on a big wedding with all the trimming, then congratulations. But if not, try to keep calm, stay focused and keep the spending down to something you can live with. Looking at the beautiful photos after does not pay those wedding bills. You can have a beautiful day, without breaking the bank, so try to keep a clear head when you are planning your wedding. Money is trouble and why bring on trouble to your new marriage.
7. Yes, you are a couple, but unless you’re conjoined twins, get out more!
I think we all know those couples that do so much together that they actually start dressing alike, talking alike and even getting similar haircuts. That is just a little too Stepford wives for me. Being a couple does not mean that you do EVERYTHING together. You had friends and a life before you got married, so make sure that you nurture those friendships. Do things without your husband. Keep those dates with your girlfriends. Take a short trip with them once a year. Do not lose touch with them because you are married. Nothing pisses me off more than when my girlfriend finds herself in a new relationship. All of a sudden it’s like, where the hell did she go? Nothing for months at a time. And then trouble in paradise and suddenly you are her best friend again. Fuck that. That’s why it’s so vitally important to keep your friendships intact and to ensure that you do not become glued at the hip. Your friends should not be a commodity you use when you need them.
So there you have it. Seven, stare you in the face, don’t ignore them, facts.
Maybe you ladies think I am jaded because I have been married twice. I’m not. I still believe in love and marriage. I’m just giving you some advice because I am painfully aware that these things can ruin relationships. Don’t always look at the world through rose-colored glasses. Take them off now and then to keep yourself grounded. Don’t ignore signs that are like red flags, smacking you across the head. Caterers can be canceled, gifts can be returned. Tongues will wag, but only until the next gossip train comes into the station. If not then consider entering the witness protection program!! (Ok maybe that’s extreme)
Stay true to yourself, your beliefs, and your values. Keep an open mind. Trust your gut and don’t ignore the signs. Why? Because you owe it to yourself. This isn’t a dress rehearsal it’s your life.
LOVE IS BLIND, BUT MARRIAGE IS THE EYE OPENER.
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